Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunset Over St. Albans

Some pictures from sunset on the waterfront at St. Albans, Vermont.




Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm Lovin' It

Today I discovered another reason not to eat at McDonald's that has nothing to do with how unhealthy it is. OK, maybe a little to do with health.

I sauntered up to the counter and ordered a Crispy Chicken Ranch BLT with cheese, to which the register girl said, "I'm confused." I was confused too -- I wasn't sure how to break it down any further than that, especially since my order was taken directly from the large neon menus above my head.

I tried again: "I'd like a Ranch BLT with crispy chicken, and I'd like to add cheese to that."

"I definitely don't know what you're asking," she said. Well, at least she was definite about something.

Oddly enough, the food came to me exactly as I had envisioned it would, despite her unresolved confusion. And here's the part where I once again thought (as I have MANY times before) I have to stop eating at McDonald's. The box in which the sandwich was nestled bore a warning: Product may contain chicken and/or bacon. There are two things that worry me about this statement:

a) The existence of the warning in the first place. Picture it: you have asked for and purchased a sandwich bearing the name "Crispy Chicken Ranch BLT." Because you have spent a significant amount of time frequenting fast food joints and grills across America, you recognize that the acronym "BLT" stands for "Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato." Unlike many of life's messy experiences, this order presents a very predictable, black-and-white situation for you. Then you open up your sandwich and, to your utter surprise, the sandwhich is filled with -- what? -- chicken and bacon! But wait -- they didn't warn you -- and you're allergic to chicken and bacon -- how could you have known? Oh, the humanity.

b) The words "may" and "and/or." As explained in the above statement, when I order a sandwich with both chicken and bacon in the name, I do not expect it to be a game of Russian Roulette. I don't expect to have to consider the odds. I pretty much expect -- demand, even -- that my "product" does contain both chicken and bacon. But then again, I'm told I'm "high maintenance."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

For Loser Wannabes

I wanted to give a shout out to a great book I've just finished reading: Secrets of a Former Fat Girl, by Lisa Delaney. If you've struggled with weight -- not just the physical aspects of trying to take off the pounds or dealing with life as a person of more-than-average size, but the mental hurdles of the Fat Girl psyche -- then this book is most definitely a must read. Delaney names and elaborates on seven secrets that address all the things that so often plague us Fat Girls, and her advice is practical yet also light-hearted and witty. I swear she's been spying on me for the last thirty years.


I give it 5 Caramel Sundaes (eaten stealthily, alone in your car of course)!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Link to the Future


Inspired by Helen's recent post, I have decided to finally announce my engagement. This is a picture of my soon-to-be husband. Please don't be jealous -- it took me a lifetime to find my true love.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Care and Feeding of Teenagers

The following is a transcript of a real-life encounter with a teenager (the names have been changed to protect the guilty):

I look up from my desk when I see a football shoot across the classroom out of the corner of my eye.

ME: Chester, what are you doing? [sheepish shrug from Chester] OK, I didn't really think this is something I'd ever have to say, but please don't throw your football across the room.

CHESTER: Sorry.

I go back to my work. 30 seconds pass. I look up again when I see another type of ball shoot across the classroom out of the corner of my eye.

ME: Chester!

CHESTER: What??!! I'm not throwing a football!

ME: [flashing Chester a gimme-a-break scowl] Let me be more specific: please do not throw any kind of ball across the room.

I go back to my work. 30 seconds pass. I look up again when I see a ball of several wadded up sheets of notebook paper fly across the room and hit another student in the head, which elicits peels of laughter from the entire class.

ME: OK, let me be VERY SPECIFIC: please do not throw ANY OBJECT, ANY DISTANCE, within a 50 mile radius of me, until the END OF TIME!

CHESTER: Sorry.

I pretend to go back to my work, but really I keep a sharp eye on Chester and company. Five minutes pass. All seems well. I go back to my work. I look up to check again just as Chester completes a beautifully spiraling hail mary pass to Paul, the student he previously hit in the head with the wadded paper.

ME: [getting up and walking over to Chester's seat with my hand held out] Alright, that's it. Give me the football.

CHESTER: [hurriedly stuffing said football in his backpack] No -- I'm good. I'm good, I'm good, I promise, I'm good.

ME: I didn't ask you how you were doing. I said give me the football.

CHESTER: No seriously -- I'm good. It's gone. Won't happen again.

ME: Give me the football.

CHESTER: I'm putting it away.

ME: No, you're putting it in my hand. Now!

CHESTER: Fine. [licks the football] Still want it?

ME: Yes I do. Because I can wash my hands, while you, on the other hand, have just licked a football.

Class erupts into laughter; I take football. Game, set, match.

Give Paws a Chance

Recently I've been looking for an apartment. Yes, after three years of living on the third floor (what used to be the attic) of what used to be a very nice Victorian home but what is now best described as Pothouse Central for Responsibility Challenged Fortysomethings, I have finally decided I've had enough. I need more space. I need less stairs. I need to be able to walk into my home without getting high from second-hand cannabis fumes. This seems like a reasonable request to me.



But apparently reasonable does not translate into easily doable. So many nice place, the majority of which specify, usually in bolded, all-caps letters, NO DOGS! That brings me to my current frustration: what do you people have against dogs?? Dogs are friendly -- they're lovers, not fighters. The worst they can do is lick you to death.



Okay, so not all dogs are like that. But mine is! Indy is sweet and playful and harmless. Granted, she may get a little excited when she sees people she loves, like her grandparents or Helen Auntie, and she may jump up to say hi. But basically, she's a good puppy. I mean, how can you resist a face like this:


The overwhelming lack of tolerance for dogs leads me to believe that Burlington landlords have had consistent, serious problems with dog-owning tenants. And since behavior is not really a dog's fault, this leads me to have some very serious unresolved anger toward the mass of apparently stupid, irresponsible people out there who spoil it for the rest of us! [disclaimer: I aplogize to those who are smart and responsible and have simply been unfairly judged].


So, Burlington, if you're listening, take a chance on us!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Peppermint Patty

In th' spirit o' St. Patty's Day (often miswritten as "St. Paddy's Day" by those not in th' know), I'll be celebratin' me Irish heritage in th' followin' tribute...

LUCKY CHARMS:

If ye come across any o' dese t'day, ye can consider yerself lucky:

Leprechaun: one o' th' most well known (but also th' hardest to find) lucky charms. As ye know, Ireland is a land o' many mystical, supernatural phenomena, an' Leprechauns are just th' most fun o' dat bunch. If ye come across a Leprechaun in yer travels t'day, be sure an' ask 'em fer three wishes -- an' don't ferget t' use yer first wish t' wish fer more wishes!

Shamrock: known as th' National Flower o' Oirland (or Eire, as we natives like t' say), a shamrock brings good luck, lifetime happiness, and many Pots o' Gold (see below) t' all who have 'em. Unfortunately, shamrocks kin only be found in th' fields of Western Eire, where all th' damn Buddhists have settled, so at th' moment they got a monopoly on happiness. Dirty Jezebels.

Rainbows: as ye know, rainbows kin only be seen in Eire herself. True Rainbows (as in those over th' cloudy skies o' Eire) are formed from dat special mix o' chemicals in th' air, plus a wee bit o' Leprechaun magic. If ye get a good photo of a True Rainbow, ye'r said to be ensured o' luck in marriage and livestock. Oh, an' don't ferget th' Pot o' Gold (see below) at th' end!






Pots o' Gold: all ye hafta do t' find a Pot o' Gold is t' find th' end ofa True Rainbow. Once ye find one, ye'r sure t' have, well...lots o' gold! Good luck with dat!





And luckiest charm ofall?....


Th' oft-heard of but rarely seen 21-Leaf Clover.


If ye actually get t' hold one o' these beauties in yer hand, ye'll have a lifetime o' luck in life's most important tings: sex, sanity, an' metabolism.


I'M JUST SAYIN'

Now that ye have all th' luck ye kin stand, here's a few handy traditional Irish phrases an' stuff ye kin use t' brighten th' day of yer favorite Irishmen (and women):

Top o' th' mornin' to ye! (with enthusiasm an' emphasis on th' morn) -- dis is a highly cheerful an' appropriate ting t' say t' any friend ye meet, any time o' day. Ye'll be sure t' draw a smile with dis one!

Pog mo thoin (pronounced "pogue mahone") -- dis is a friendly Irish greetin' dat ye kin use in any situation. Roughly translated it means "pleasure t' meetya!"

Cead mile failte (pronounced "Hey!") -- quite commonly used t' insult yer friend's mum. Roughly translated it means, "a pox on yer sheep!"
***dis post is dedicated to me dear Oirish friend, Pghelinbhnmbh Volshghbhaosbh (pronounced "Helen Walsh")***

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sunrise, Sunset



And the sun sets on the Black Belt testing.

Helen and I went up to Overlook Park, in Burlington, and watched the sunset that Sunday, after my parents had gone home and the Blue Wave Winter Camp was over, and the biggest physical challenge I've ever attempted or accomplished had been conquered. Nothing speaks to my soul more than a beautiful sunset. It was the perfect ending to a pretty perfect weekend.

Kick Board



I've had a request for some pics and discussion of my black belt test. Well, as you can imagine I have about a thousand pics from various people who were there, so it was hard to choose just a couple, but here are two of my favorites.

The one on the bottom is of me breaking the second of a two-board combination. The first kick was a roundhouse kick, and the guy kneeling down was holding that board (which broke like a good little board should!). This picture is a perfectly placed back kick and my foot going through the second board. I was actually pretty nervous about this combo because the night before I had gotten a verbal beating from one of the higher ranking black belts about my form. This woman (we sometimes call her "Bad Cop") went on and on about how I wasn't chambering my back kick and how I wouldn't break a board like that, and I had to practice the combo like seven or eight times, each time waiting for her critique. It was unnerving to say the least, especially the night before the test. But during the actual test I just cleared my mind and focused only on the task at hand -- which is huge for me.

The one on the top is Master Gordon White tying on my black belt as my good friend (and fellow tester), Ramsey Papp, looks on. I have to say that I have never felt more proud of myself than I did at that moment. I thought I would actually cry, but I didn't. If this had been one of those underdog-overcomes-obstacles-and-wins-game/contest/prize movies, though, I'd have been a blubbering mess. It was a very emotional moment, though, joking aside. And what made it even better was that I had so many friends and family watching me (and testing with me)...not only am I a badass, but I am loved.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Tie Breaker

Well I noticed that I'd written 9 blog posts in 2009 and 9 in 2010, so I thought it was time for a tie breaker. Not that I necessarily have anything important to say.

At the moment I'm sitting in Barnes and Noble because, ever since my neighbors moved and disconnected their internet service, this is the only place I can consistently get online. Why don't you just get your own internet connection? one might ask. Ah, yes, that is a question for the ages, isn't it?

In the meantime, the booksellers and barristas here at B & N have come to recognize me on sight, and I fear first-name basis will be soon to follow. But Saturday night is a fascinating time to be here, I must say. Not like Friday night (see previous post: Friday Night Lights). No, it appears that Saturday is for the ultra cool -- people merely stopping at B & N on their way to somewhere bigger and better, like, oh say, a movie or bowling perhaps.

Tonight the Most Intriguing People Hanging Out in B & N on a Saturday Night Award goes to: four teenage boys to my right -- 15? 16? -- who are trying desperately to look like they are some of those people who have merely stopped here on their way to something better, but who, with the wave of a hand and a sheepish cut-away of the eyes, have just given away the ugly truth that they are, in fact, here with their mother. Clearly none of them can drive. But they are exhibiting the requisite I'm-not-here-for-the-books behavior: lots of espresso (very mature), non-fru-fru, "safe" cafe foods (bagels with cream cheese), four tables thrown together that make a perfect paper football playing field (no books in sight), and lots of looking around feigning boredom. My guess? Somebody thought this would be a great place to meet "mature" women. And in that case, they're in luck, because other than them and me, no one here is under the age of fifty. Score!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What Now?

Well, now that I've gotten my black belt (YAY!), I'm a little lost. I've been working toward that goal for so long, and now I feel like I "should be doing something big" but when I wrack my brain trying to think of what it is, I draw a blank. Helen says I'm suffering from "reaction"...not sure about that. But I'm sure about one thing: I feel restless. I feel like I have it in me to accomplish something great, and I'm just sort of stuck in a kind of limbo. Time to set a new goal I guess.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Final Black Belt Essay

Indomitable Spirit

 “Any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have.  Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis.  Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do us any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.  We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we’re doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of who we are or what we’re doing.”

 “A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us.”

                                            -- Pema Chodron

I have never been comfortable in my own skin.  I have struggled all my life with insecurities about my physical appearance and limitations.  I haven’t always been overweight, but I’ve always been “bigger” than everyone else, or disproportionate in some way.  I’ve always stood out in the crowd, in unflattering ways, and because of this, every time I endeavor to do something physical, I come face to face with some very deep-rooted fears and anxieties:  I don’t want to look stupid; I don’t want to be last; I don’t want to mess up; I don’t want to let anyone down.  I’ve always thought of myself as the “weakest link,” physically speaking, and that perception has been reinforced repeatedly over the years, whether through external influences or self-fulfilling prophecy.

            People often say that unrelenting perseverance is one of my best qualities:  I simply decide what I want and then do whatever it takes to make it happen.  And while this is true, it’s also true that in the cerebral areas of life – academics, art, writing, music, teaching – I am blessed with significant natural talent and mental agility, so I can usually achieve goals related to those areas more readily.  For some reason, though, I have not been able to apply that same goal-driven mentality to anything in the physical realm.  Part of this, I know, is that, proportionately, I’ve attempted so many more intellectual pursuits that I’m just used to doing well quickly, so it always surprises me how much work and effort yields so little success in physical activities.  Another part is that my perfectionistic nature won’t let me participate in something at which I cannot be “one of the best.”  The combination of these factors has led me, in the past, to conclude that sports and exercise simply aren’t my “things,” to accept that I just wouldn’t ever be successful at those kinds of activities.

            Those thoughts are probably what kept me out of a dojang until I was twenty-eight years old, despite the fact that I’ve felt drawn to martial arts since I saw Karate Kid when I was ten.  Those same fears have plagued me throughout my Taekwondo training, but they’ve become especially loud and aggressive since I obtained my red belt and began the journey to black belt.  In fact, my “training” has really been more about overcoming the obstacles in my mind than about preparing my physical body.  And I have only just recently realized that I don’t actually think like that anymore.  It’s not that I can’t be successful at physical activities; it’s that achieving those goals takes more time, sweat, and tears than anything else in my life.  Instead of a month or a year, it’s taken a lifetime.  Taekwondo has taught me that.  Master White and my Blue Wave family have taught me that.

            Early in the fall, when I was having extra difficulty drowning out those aggressive fears, Master White responded to my concerns by asking me a question:  “When you make a fist, which finger is the weakest?”  The answer?:  The one that’s not participating.  This was a pivotal moment in my mental development.  I realized that, for the first time in my life, I am part of a team – not just because they have to let me play, but because I am integral; my participation is an important part of what makes the team work.  Granted, Blue Wave is not a team in the traditional sense; Taekwondo is, at heart, an individual sport.  But in a broader sense, I have not made this journey alone.  In one way or another, everyone in my testing group – my “team” – has helped me overcome an obstacle or two, and I have done the same for them.  Along the way, we have all been guided and encouraged by the Burlington black belts, as well as those from other gyms.  When we stand before the board at testing, we represent ourselves, individually and collectively, and all those who have helped us get to this point.  That makes Blue Wave Taekwondo the best of both worlds:  a team that works together, uniting in mutual friendship, to encourage individual and group success.

            Of all the verbal definitions we have to learn for the gup rank tests, the meaning of taeguek four seems to be the most confusing to people.  They scratch their heads and snicker a little when they read that jin, thunder, is the “element of fear and trembling,” and that “because Taekwondo is comprised of virtuous actions, it defines fear as courage.”  I suppose to many people fear and courage seem to be at cross-purposes, but to me the definition makes perfect sense.  Courage is the flip side of fear.  Courage is being terrified of falling but putting one foot in front of the other anyway.  Courage is picking yourself up off the floor and doing another spin hook kick, even though you know you might end up on the floor again.  For me, sometimes courage is just showing up.  I still get anxious when I walk into the dojang; at times I’m still afraid that I’ll make a fool of myself or that I won’t be able to do something.  But I still come to class.  I do my best to silence that old negative tape in my head and work through the fear.  I kick harder, kiyup louder, and refocus my anxious energy toward improving my technique.  I am jin.

            When I successfully attain first dan rank on March 5, 2010, it will be the first time I have ever achieved a major physical goal, the first time I have ever persevered, gone the distance, and refused to let my fears get the best of me.  But it definitely won’t be the last.