The Care and Feeding of Teenagers

The following is a transcript of a real-life encounter with a teenager (the names have been changed to protect the guilty):

I look up from my desk when I see a football shoot across the classroom out of the corner of my eye.

ME: Chester, what are you doing? [sheepish shrug from Chester] OK, I didn't really think this is something I'd ever have to say, but please don't throw your football across the room.

CHESTER: Sorry.

I go back to my work. 30 seconds pass. I look up again when I see another type of ball shoot across the classroom out of the corner of my eye.

ME: Chester!

CHESTER: What??!! I'm not throwing a football!

ME: [flashing Chester a gimme-a-break scowl] Let me be more specific: please do not throw any kind of ball across the room.

I go back to my work. 30 seconds pass. I look up again when I see a ball of several wadded up sheets of notebook paper fly across the room and hit another student in the head, which elicits peels of laughter from the entire class.

ME: OK, let me be VERY SPECIFIC: please do not throw ANY OBJECT, ANY DISTANCE, within a 50 mile radius of me, until the END OF TIME!

CHESTER: Sorry.

I pretend to go back to my work, but really I keep a sharp eye on Chester and company. Five minutes pass. All seems well. I go back to my work. I look up to check again just as Chester completes a beautifully spiraling hail mary pass to Paul, the student he previously hit in the head with the wadded paper.

ME: [getting up and walking over to Chester's seat with my hand held out] Alright, that's it. Give me the football.

CHESTER: [hurriedly stuffing said football in his backpack] No -- I'm good. I'm good, I'm good, I promise, I'm good.

ME: I didn't ask you how you were doing. I said give me the football.

CHESTER: No seriously -- I'm good. It's gone. Won't happen again.

ME: Give me the football.

CHESTER: I'm putting it away.

ME: No, you're putting it in my hand. Now!

CHESTER: Fine. [licks the football] Still want it?

ME: Yes I do. Because I can wash my hands, while you, on the other hand, have just licked a football.

Class erupts into laughter; I take football. Game, set, match.