Tuesday, September 13, 2011

What Color Are Your Walls?

Recently I made a "discovery" that rocked my sense of reality.  I put "discovery" in quotes because it was one of those things that's been right in front of me all along, for several years now, and I just now noticed it.  Kind of like when you wake up one morning, look at your walls, which have been painted a lovely shade of blue for years, and go, "Huh.  My walls are blue!  I mean, they're really blue," and you even consider calling a friend and discussing this brilliant realization, but in the end you don't because you actually need more time to process it.  That's the kind of discovery this was, and now I'm at the end of my processing time, so I'm sharing it with you...out loud...on paper:  I am an athlete.

About four years ago I started practicing Taekwondo.  I had wanted to be the "Karate Kid" since I saw the movie when I was 10, so I was very excited to finally be embarking on this journey.  From day one, I loved Taekwondo, as much for the community aspect as for the sport itself.  But I quickly discovered that it is just that -- a sport -- and that's when the anxieties set in:  I'm too overweight to do this, too out of shape.  What if I make a fool of myself?  What if I'm the last one down the floor?  What if everyone's just standing around waiting for me to fail?  Can I really take that rejection?  What am I thinking -- I am not an athlete.  I kept going, but the fears didn't go away.  Each class I would just push them to back of my mind as best I could and continue kicking.

In March of 2010, I successfully tested for black belt.  I was still overweight -- by quite a bit -- and I'm sure I survived the test on pure adrenaline, because had I been faced with that kind of workout in another setting, I honestly don't know if my body could've handled it.  But I huffed and puffed and sweated my way through it, and in the end I vowed that I would not test again until I was at my goal weight (which at the time meant I needed to lose about 60 pounds).  After that I gained about 15 more pounds, and this past spring, I started to notice the effects of this extra weight on the mat.  I have more difficulty getting my body in the air for jumping kicks; I land heavily on my heels; I generally move slower, even when I tell my body to hustle; I experience more aches and pains, during and after my workouts; and (maybe most importantly) I've become increasingly self-conscious on the floor, which impacts my ability to fully execute the techniques. 

As of this moment, I have five months to train for my 2nd Dan (degree) black belt testing, which will take place at the beginning of March 2012, and I have once again recommitted to dropping down to goal weight (or at least close) before I make another appearance before the Testing Board (a bunch of high-ranking black belts who judge your performance).  I've struggled with losing weight all my life.  Despite the fact that, in other areas of my life, I am a driven goal-achiever, no amount of positive (or negative) reinforcement has ever seemed to be enough to push me toward achieving this goal.  I make sure I get anything else I want; why not this? 

Master White, my Taekwondo instructor (a 7th Dan black belt), is helping me train, which means he's giving me a focus and some specific things to work on, along with a lot of moral/emotional support.  After my first private lesson with him last week, I started thinking:  a lot of people pay him a lot of money to whip them into shape.  A lot of athletes pay him a lot of money for his expert advice on how to win sparring matches and make Nationals (which of course he's done several times).  When he worked with me on Friday, he didn't begin any of his instructions with, "Now, because you're overweight, we're going to..." or "I know you're not really an athlete, so..."  He talked to me the same way I've heard him talk to so many gold- and silver-medalists before.  Like I am an athlete.  Like that's a given. 

Yesterday I spent two hours working out, a combination of eliptical, weights, ab work, and Taekwondo-specific exercises.  I will do that at least three or four times a week, hopefully more, between now and March.  I will do this, in addition to eating nutritionally and drinking lots of water, because I am an athlete in training.  In the process I'm sure I'll lose weight, but more importantly, I will have the inner and physical strength to join my fellow athletes out on the mats for testing.  Maybe the reason I haven't achieved the weight goal all these years isn't because I'm not capable or I don't have the drive or will power; maybe it's because I was focused on the wrong thing.  I was so busy trying figure out how to be something I thought I wasn't, I didn't even realize I already was.

Like I said, this morning I woke up and realized my walls really are blue.

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